Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
