It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
