The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
