I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
