Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think i have two assholes
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
