i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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