Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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