so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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