i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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