why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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