somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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