the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
