Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
