What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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