I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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