he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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