he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
