I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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