I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
