the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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