Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
