I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
