he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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