I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
