You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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