Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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