At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
