sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was like getting head from an anaconda
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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