Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Randomize
