literally had 100 drinks last night.
I faked an abortion last night.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
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So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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