Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
