I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
