Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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