Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
no you cant smoke seaweed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
