I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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