if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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