Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
