Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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