I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
