Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
