I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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