Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
