last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
