Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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