your parents love me but you hate me
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
please come you make the beer taste better
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
