I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
