i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
