Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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