Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
