What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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