The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
