I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We smell like vodka and hangover
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
