I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
