Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
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Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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