lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
