ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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