That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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