Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
