overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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